Marking the passage of ten years.
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| Back before I ever heard of frozen shoulders. |
Ten years ago I had my first major surgery. A Facebook reminder came up on my timeline earlier this year marking the day; the post was from Sissy saying she would see me when I came out. It took five hours; we were only expecting a couple of hours. I lost so much blood that I got two units infused. There was some preparation and lead up to the surgery that took up some of the five hours, of course, but the surgery was the bulk of it and the main event/culmination - and in some ways the grand opening to the long, slow personal journey that ended last year.
That surgery was precipitated by little observations from years prior - physical changes I noticed but didn't tend to because they didn't really bother me and I was too busy. And I just didn't know, didn't connect the dots that I was genetically susceptible. And then I finally got myself checked out in 2010, the year before 10 years ago, and it became clear that I needed a medical intervention.
Everything coincided with a professional rough patch - an anchor client died, and I was overwhelmed with work; I came close to breaking... His widow was of Chinese descent, and I suspect she set their wedding - an odd Sunday in January - precisely to occur on the last possible day before she was to begin an "unlucky" zodiac year, but he died before they'd been married even a year - she couldn't escape it. That was notable to me - as much as I believe in science, well, sometimes there are inexplicable forces that must be respected. I took that to heart. The estate tax return came due toward the end of MY unlucky zodiac year, and there would still be enough time left to schedule the surgery afterward to fall within that year - to be a responsible professional AND tend to my personal needs, and take an extended medical leave, and work break - to usher out my unlucky year and ring in a new and better lunar year. So that's how that surgery came to be scheduled.
So what has happened in the decade since that personally significant year?
The Arab Spring happened during my surgery; I spent the first day after the surgery watching coverage from a hospital bed. Democracy has not taken hold across the Middle East as we had hoped. Syria is still a sad mess.
That recovery period made me think about what I wanted from life - a baby was one, that was the whole point. But even though the doctor said to give myself six months to heal and get to getting preggo, I hadn't met Mr. Right and I wasn't quite ready. That's why we had last year.
The seed for this blog was planted during that first medical leave. How did I REALLY want to spend my time? Not in BigLaw. So how could I learn about this social media thing, and could I monetize any of my hobbies to supplement a step away from BigLaw? Well, I haven't monetized this thing, but I am still learning from it. And for now, I own this domain that I conceived of back then (again). That's something.
I reached out to my high school ex-boyfriend during those unprecedented five weeks away from work. I blame my feeling vulnerable as a woman and wanting affirmation of my femininity for that lapse in judgment. Good thing he didn't respond. But I saw him at reunion the year after, and he apologized, albeit belatedly, for his hurtful actions. I learned of his surprisingly long marriage, and two young children. I think the older of them is a legal adult now, and sleuthing indicates that he remains married. Pettily, I have held up better than she. But, of course, she is a married mom of two who owns a business. So perhaps I need to think of better ways to assess my accomplishments.
My law school reunion happened that year. It coincided with Will and Kate's royal wedding. With the time difference, I watched it in New York before heading down for the reunion. At reunion I reconnected in person with an acquaintance, who became a Facebook friend and led me to an increased use of Messenger - and into a phase of electronically reconnecting with boys from my past - turning over all the stones, so to speak. At the end of that weekend, I visited friends nearby and we were up talking into the night, so we missed the live announcement of the assassination of Osama bin Laden...
... So ten years later and law school and college reunions are slated for underwhelming virtual formats. I am going to agitate for later in the year real life flash mob reunions - whoever can make it comes. We need to see and hold each other, confirm that we actually still exist.
... Will and Kate have produced three littles, the youngest of whom just celebrated his third birthday. The English laws were changed so their second, a girl, will actually precede her little brother in line to the throne. Slow progress for women in the English monarchy. In the meantime, we had Megxit and the Oprah interview bombshells, so the monarchy shows itself as moving at snail's pace.
... Those boys from the past: There have been five of varying intensity, a few more if we count the ones who were never in the running. They are all now friends - an acceptable result. Some were definitely missteps, but valuable lessons learned. A couple were real contenders in The Project. For one, I believe I was his penultimate potential foray before he met HIS soulmate, with whom he now has a long-awaited baby girl. They did the journey too, ahead of, but overlapping mine. He offered, and I actually considered calling his wife in my lowest moments of The Project. And then there was the boy who touched my soul - or, I still feel like he did. But my Mr. Right remains elusive, still hiding under his stone somewhere.
When I shared with friends the surgery that decade ago, I learned of a few who were in late stages of pregnancy then, including my sole single mom friend. She's been the reassurance it could be done. But also the reminder of how hard it can be. She took a leave and brought the baby home to visit family, and when I recovered enough to travel by plane, I went down to spend a week at the beach with them. That child just hit double digits.
And my cousins had babies. And I went out to visit those nuggets, who also hit double digits this year. And to pass the week between my imposing myself on their parents, I vacationed by myself for the first and - unintentionally - only time. I took myself to an all-inclusive, activity-centric resort in Mexico, and LOVED it. I learned the trapeze, I learned to climb a wall, I tried water skiing (with less success); I learned to be by myself but also to make new, casual, short-term friends.
During the week away with my single mom friend, my closest friend from high school got married at city hall for health insurance reasons - impromptu, and compelled in part because the changing local marital landscape meant less recognition of domestic partnerships, in her husband's employer's case - with everyone able to get married, they needed to be married for coverage. So they are still strong, and marriage equality remains the law, even if constantly under attack.
And the year after, with more family travel and wanting space to host - gentlemen callers, among others, I bought space downstairs for Sissy. She was supposed to launch to offset the expenses of her space. She is out of the apartment, technically, but not yet launched.
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| Vacation vistas. |
So we measure a decade, and I suppose my frustration is that not much has changed for me at all. Still in BigLaw, which is now close to unbearable. Unlaunched sibling. No Mr. Right. No nugget - and so when news hits for others, for all I want to be happy, there is a tinge and a tug and a tear.
It's hard to give myself a good grade for this decade. And I have to take responsibility for that, and grab the steering wheel, and drive already. Then when I hear happy news for others, I can be happy for knowing I have done all I can to be happy.
[Edited April 25, 2021.]
