[A Past] Shot In the Dark

Aiming for aspirational positions, aspirational states of being.

[Edited: This post was drafted on November 30, 2020, over three years before today's publication date. I was in a different state back then - mourning about The Project, deeply unhappy at work and so overworked, almost desperate in wanting a change, needing a change. I don't remember why I didn't publish it; perhaps it was too personal and I was too raw. Today, in post-Christmas 2023 vacation mode, I am clearing the decks and queueing up content. There are still unfulfilled aspirations that I wrote of then, and lessons to be gleaned on reflection, and so worth a revisit as we gear up for 2024. And the sharing of an opportunity at the heart of this post is in the spirit of Boxing Day, being celebrated today. Contemporaneous commentary/substantive edits required for clarity appear in italics.]

Lobbing long shots - not quite on a whim, but from so very far away that they might as well be guided by mere whims, for they are surely not grounded in reality.  At least, not my current reality...

The idea of a position in the Biden-Harris administration came about from a conversation with an old friend, my free spirited wandering friend who is for now in [Asia - adding a bit more ambiguity here; she has since relocated Stateside].  The purpose of the call was really her reaching out to check in on me on the end of The Project.  But in the course of our call, she mentioned being recruited loosely by her friend, a political creature who soon will be the Chief of Staff of the [then] incoming First Lady.  The talk turned to career changes - hers.  But afterward, I looked up the site and thought, "Why the heck not?"  So I set up a follow up call to suss her out on process.  And I received an access/referral code passed on by her friend, the political creature, that, as it turns out, did not match any field for insertion [- no box to check -] on the application as far as I could discern, so I had no occasion to use it after all.

During the course of applying, the more research I did, the more self reflection and assessment I performed, the clearer it became that positions, even those of a mere cog, in a Presidential administration are, for me, aspirational at best, given how out of my league they are, and how underqualified I am - professionally, politically, all around.  Grasping at straws would be an accurate description of what I was doing.  Flailing a bit, even.

But I no longer feel tethered.  Without the need to stay for The Project, there is nothing left for me where I am [in BigLaw].  So, why the heck not?

Similarly, nothing left for me with former NF.  So, since he relocated to [Asia during the Spring], I introduced him to my free spirited friend, knowing full well they might hit it off.  They are alike in so many ways [- world wanderers and professional do-gooders].  And she has a little boy; it would be so nice for him to have a good, steady male influence[, and NF is such a loving uncle and has always wanted kids].  In theory it all sounds lovely.  Facilitating that relationship [earlier in the year], in that moment, was my act of care - for NF, for my friend, for her son - an expression of the selfless person I wish I were more often, an embodiment of goodness and generosity that are the pinnacle of what I am capable of when at my very best.  But, frankly, one that does not come naturally to me.  I fight my baser instincts all the time.  My ambivalence [then] in the aftermath demonstrates the true me, my true feelings catching up to the actions - a discomfort, tinge of jealousy, and hurt that belie the pettiness and immaturity that I had hoped to surmount.  They are not dating yet, but do have a friendship separate and apart from me.  They sent me a [joint] selfie from the Thanksgiving dinner that she hosted partly for him - an innocuous photo, yet she [is standing behind his seated frame and her arm] is draped over him in a familiar manner that I envy.  I never managed a photo together [with NF], never even got a photo OF him; as if he and I never were.  That Thanksgiving photo of them, [her] mention[ing] that he was having movie nights with her son - all that I hoped for them and engineered - yet, giving rise to pangs of... what?  envy?  regret?  I should be better than that; I know I should be better than that.  So that introduction I made connecting the two of them - it was another lob in the dark, a blind aim for that elusive best incarnation of myself.  Yet that lob made so vividly clear to me how great my shortcomings are. 

And maybe, perhaps, that's why The Project didn't come to fruition.  I wasn't mature enough.  Even had all gone perfectly, I am not sure I could have managed it.  I saw a post recently that posited that God gifts to us all that we receive, and protects us from all that we were not gifted.  Maybe that's true.

[That professional shot in the dark was a good catalyzer for me to begin the process of extricating myself. I arrived at a happier professional place, where hopefully I am better positioned to share of my good fortune. I aim to be a more generous and giving person, to be authentic and give fully and without reservation when I do, to come closer to the best incarnation of myself.]